i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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