remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
