I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
