sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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