I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
