If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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