3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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