Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
