i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
