he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
