I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
