Can i not drive my cunt home
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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