Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
