so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
