So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
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