i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
