Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He had one of those small greek statue penises
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
