Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
