when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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