My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
