you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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