God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
