how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
