someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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