problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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