got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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