if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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