We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize