im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
