We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize