Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
