i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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