This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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