Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm having to shit out rocks
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
