I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize