just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
