on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
