I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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