that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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