I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
ok first of all what the fuck
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize