the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
