i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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