He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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