I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize