Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
