Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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