I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
