I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
