I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
