don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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