thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
