Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
