It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize