i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
