I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
