Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
