yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
