He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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