So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
