Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
