You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
