Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
